Why I did Ironman

I wrote this letter to all of my friends and family that came out to support me on May 17, 2014 for my Ironman Texas race! I was asked to put it on my blog for others to read. My intent in writing it was to be able to help my supporters that day understand why they were there supporting me. I had my reasons for doing the race and I wanted my support crew to know those reasons. I also thought it would be cool to be able to "talk" to them while I was racing. So, here is the letter they read that day!

For my awesome friends and family cheering me on today, here is something to read while you wait. Maybe you can get a better understanding of why I do this crazy stuff!!!

         When I first learned about Ironman it was 2012 and I was 10 weeks preggo with Delaney. Nik said we were going to go watch our friends Kerry and Allie do an “Ironman” triathlon. A what? A triathlon that makes you swim 2.4 miles, bike 112, and run a marathon? Stupid. At that moment I wasn’t able to understand what swimming 2.4 miles would be like, or biking 112. It seemed like they were difficult tasks but there was nothing to compare in my mind. I had never swam or biked for exercise. The only thing I could comprehend was that these people would be doing something physical BEFORE even beginning their marathon and THAT seemed crazy enough. We get there and I try to understand. I watched as these strangers ran before me, most of them looking like they were far beyond tired. I tried to conjure up what it would have been like for those people, swimming and biking those miles BEFORE running. Again, I couldn’t understand because I had never been in the pool or gotten on a bike other than to play. I watched as they ran, and ran, and ran. Some walked. Some looked like they were about to give up. I screamed for them to keep going…..only because everyone else was screaming. I didn’t get it. I mean, I wanted them to finish their race, sure….but… I. Just. Didn’t. Get. It.

         Finally, it was time to go to the finish line. THAT is when I began to understand. I still didn’t have a CLUE what these people had done all day…..but I began to understand that they were finishing a HUGE goal. All I truly knew was that they had been racing ALL DAY! Like…..14, 15, 16 hours. And THAT seemed big. There is something special about Ironman finish lines. I watched as athlete after athlete crossed. Tears began to stream down my face. These people had endured all day. They hadn’t given up. They kept going even when every ounce of their bodies might have been shouting to quit. It was special to me. As a culture, we rarely get to watch people endure things for too long. Heck, we don’t even “endure” commercials anymore. But these athletes, they endured. I was so proud of every single stranger as they ran past me and into their personal victory. I wanted to hug each one. And yet, I still didn’t even really understand what they had done all day.

         Then Nik said he was going to do it. He had felt the same things I had felt while watching that Ironman and knew he had to do this race too. Let me tell you, I wasn’t thrilled. I mean the race HAD been cool. I WAS proud of the athletes and our friends Kerry and Allie. But come on. He was going to train/do an Ironman while I was pregnant, having a baby, and then raising a newborn!?!?! Not cool. However, I never said a negative word and let him do what he needed to do. And I’m forever thankful that I did. Even throughout all of his training, I still never truly understood this crazy race. I knew he would swim for 2 hours, ride a bike for 7, and then run a marathon. That’s about all I could wrap my brain around, the grueling hours of each part of the race. As race day approached however, I could feel the energy. It began to seem kinda different. It began to register that this thing he was going to do was MORE than just a race. I kinda began to realize it was a test of will, of mind, of heart, of so much more than just physical endurance. His race day was a blur. I had listened to him talk all year about the times he wanted to make (not really understanding), things he wanted to accomplish, and I hoped and prayed all day for those things.

I have NO IDEA when it hit me that day, but it hit me. I remember at some point declaring to everyone around me that I “was going to do Ironman next year”. I bawled as I watched Nik cross the finish line. I knew what it had taken to get him there. I knew how much time he had put into it. I knew how much dedication, determination, sacrifices, and hard work it took for him to get to that finish line. And I KNEW I had to do it too. 

         Why though? Why did I want to do this? No one ever understands the WHY? I know the reasons are all personal and specific to everyone’s own story. As I stood there watching my husband do his Ironman it occurred to me that I had never finished a huge goal. I set out to accomplish MANY goals in my life…..but I had never finished any of them. I had wanted to be a competitive gymnast, but gave up when it became scary and financially hard on my parents. I had wanted to be an actress, but gave up when the auditions seemed too daunting. I had wanted to be a doctor, but gave up when I got pregnant (although I’m glad I didn’t follow thru now). I had wanted to learn so many things, but gave up when it “took up too much time”. I had wanted and wanted so much for myself, but gave up on as soon as it began to be hard work. I had let myself down again and again, which made me feel like I wasn’t able to accomplish much, if anything. I had taught myself from a very young age that I wasn’t strong enough, good enough, smart enough, or courageous enough to do much in this life. I didn’t believe in myself at all. However, as I stood there on May 18, 2013, something changed in me. It seemed like if I could just DO THIS….then I could prove to myself that all of those things were wrong.  All I had to do was train my mind and body to do the hardest endurance race…..without EVER swimming, biking, or (really) running. No big deal, right?

         I knew it would be difficult. I knew there would be obstacles. I never waivered with my decision. The week after Niks Ironman, I began training for mine. I was almost 200 lbs and could barely run a 16 minute mile. I was terrified that I only had a year. HOW would I ever get my body trained in that time? It seemed VERY impossible. Scary impossible. But I never allowed myself to give up. The first few weeks were the hardest. I jumped into a training schedule of 6 days a week of swimming, biking, and running. My body hurt during those weeks. I hated every minute of working out. I had NEVER enjoyed running, I barely knew how to swim, and biking terrified me. Plus, it seemed like it was going to take forever and I don’t like to wait for things. After the first few weeks, it got a tiny bit easier. My life was definitely changing. Triathlon training is rigorous and keeping a schedule is vital. If you know me, I am terrible at keeping a schedule. I think that is one of the first things that changed for me, other than my body. I was keeping a schedule!!! If you know me, that’s a big deal. Soon I was hitting goal after goal and it felt as if each one would bring a new feeling of bravery, courage, and belief in myself. I had never really felt that way about myself. I believed in ME and that was HUGE.  I began to yearn for my workouts, love the pain, and was willing to push my limits. I was training.

        

         No one can truly understand training for an Ironman unless they have been there themselves. I was married to an Ironman and never understood. Training means so much more than swimming, biking, or running. It becomes a part of your whole being. It’s like when you begin a Netflix series and watch them every night. You think about it all day, it never leaves you. You cannot wait to come home to watch more, see where the story will go that day, and ultimately end up. In that same way, I couldn’t wait to see what each workout would bring to me. Would I be a bit faster, feel better during the workout, or maybe go further? I saw myself as a below average athlete, doing things way above my comfort or ability, and that amazed me. I was surpassing all of my doubts and fears. Workout after workout was another chapter to the story.

        

         Not all training is glorious though. It was early mornings - when everyone else was sleeping. It was waking up - when all I wanted to do was sleep. It was having the longest never-ending list of things to buy. Things like protein bars, energy gels, energy gummies, Gatorade, sports bottles, bike tires, bike parts, socks, shoes, goggles, wetsuits, wetsuit spray, and the list goes on. It was having to remember every single one of those items for each swim, bike, and run. It was having to go to the store every Friday night to get them – when all I wanted to do was NOT think about those things for once. It was packing my bag every night with those items, and then finding out I forgot something, only having to endure the workout without said item. It was toting around all four kids to every weekday workout. It was trying to remember every single thing for them too – when my mind was tired, my body hurt, and they were constantly screaming, fighting, hungry, or asking for something. It was looking at the clock during my workouts – when hours seemed to drag on and I had to fight with my mind when it began to tell me to stop. It was doing anything in my power to continue a swim, bike, or run  - like repeating a song, counting to 100, listening to a book, or praying to God.  It was running in the bitter cold AND brutally hot, biking in the pouring down rain, and swimming in the freezing water. It was being so terrified the first few bike rides that my hands were shaking and heart thumping. It was learning to ride with those darn clip-in shoes for the bike. It was praying, asking God to help me, and Him answering with, “I will uphold you with my right hand, I will not let you fall”. It was knowing that He was serious. It was being so completely exhausted but still having to be present for my husband and kids, a birthday party, or a church service. It was nursing a baby before and after my workouts and even making milk during! It was never being dressed in anything other than workout clothes, always smelling like sweat, and dealing with blisters on my feet. It was never having a clean house because we were never home, and when we were, it was the last thing I wanted to do. It was thinking that people were probably judging my new lifestyle (and unclean house), but not letting it affect me. It was realizing that I had many demons fighting against me because they knew that what I was doing would benefit me in such an amazing way that it scared them. It was living out of the car as the hubby and kids drove around during my very long bike rides. It was being the only person in the room that wasn’t drinking at a bachelorette party because I had a 4:30 wake-up call. It was having nothing else besides Ironman to talk about but assuming no one would want to hear it over and over. It was being so hungry and tired after long workouts, so hungry and tired that I could barely walk or talk. It was begging for baby-sitters. Begging for sleep. Begging for more time at the gym - and also less time at the gym. Begging myself to train harder only to realize that I was. It was wishing that the time would pass so the race would be here. It was getting close to the race and wishing I had more time.  

         Now the race IS here. I am DOING IT. I’m sure that I am tired. Very tired. I am positive that I am not even sure if I can finish without every ounce of my mind and body pushing to extreme limits.  I am taking every step just so I can finally see the faces of all of the people that I love so very much. I am talking to myself, saying, “be strong. Trust the training. It will be over before you know it. You get to see everyone soon and you know they are cheering for you.” I am 100% positive that without y’all here, I could not go on. I am so thankful that I have friends and family that love me enough to waste a Saturday going to a race that probably seems crazy, if not stupid. I am so thankful that I have my friend’s and family’s support, even when most of you probably can’t fathom why we do this silly race. I am forever grateful for your presence because it is your cheering that will give me the extra boost, to help me forget the pain, and to continue on to finish a goal that I so desperately want to finish.  So when you see me, please know how much I appreciate you being there. Scream to me! Tell me that I CAN DO IT because I will so very badly need to hear those words. I cannot wait to cross the finish line as an IRONMAN and give everyone a hug. See ya there!