Wrong.
Oh, the tears.
I have cried so many times in the past few weeks. I mean, that doesn't say much because I cry ALL THE TIME anyways. These tears are just coming from a new place in me.
I cried when I began my 112 mile bike ride. I cried when I finished. I cried when I couldn't get my sports bra off. I cried when I my run was slower than normal. I cried when my swim was getting boring and I still had more than hour left to swim. You get the point.....
So there is definitely crying in Triathlon.
But why??
Why do I have this new feeling? Why am I suddenly so emotional?
My prayers have started to show me a little bit of why.
I started this "impossible" goal with the mindset of "you-have-never-finished-anything-let's-see-if-you-can-finish-THIS". It was important to me to finally finish a goal that was "too hard". It was important that I instill a determined/keep going attitude in me that I have never allowed myself to have. This was actually easier than I imagined. Being determined and finishing a goal is just that. You keep going until you are done. You just do it. Sure some days are harder than others but the end isn't out of sight, so you push yourself until you're done and at the end. It was the unexpected that caught me off guard and tore me to pieces. I didn't even know what hit me because...... it was myself. I am my own worst enemy.
I was listening to some music and the song "Demons" came on. Part of the lyrics say, "it's where my demons hide" and it finally hit me. The place where my demons hide and the place that I use for hope and encouragement just happens to be the same place. I know God is the giver of hope and encouragement; however, as He places them in me I allow my demons to enter as well. These demons are really good too. So cunning. They really do come to steal, kill, and destroy. I didn't even know they were there. I didn't even know that I had a problem. They weren't shouting at me "you can't do this" like I imagine demons. They weren't screaming "stop - this isn't good for you" or "you are unable". No, no....those thoughts would be easy to counter. They simply put a certain subtle dark cloud in me. It was like this black cloud in my mind that I am still unable to pinpoint exactly. Whatever they did, it worked. It took me down and made me feel like even though I knew I was going to do ironman, it would be "too" hard and not fun. It made me feel like every step was dragging in mud and quitting would be so much better, even though I knew I would never actually quit. It's like they knew that they could never really get me to quit but they sure could make it miserable every step of the way. I certainly was miserable. WAS.
I never knew that this race would be this hard. I figured that it would take every bit of me, physically. And it has. I knew that I would have to work hard. And I certainly have. I just never realized that it would cause me to work through "dark" areas in the tiny corners of my mind. I never guessed that it was going to be so very mental. Not just "you-can-push-this-last-mile" mental but a deep, meaningful mental. It has been a challenge of dusting out the cobwebs in my mind after years of slacking. My broom is out though and I'm getting rid of these spots, one by one, with Gods help.
Hebrews 12:1-2
"Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of our faith."
Psalms 26.2
"Test me, oh Lord, and try me, examine my heart and my mind."
Phil 4:13
"I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."
Isaiah 40:31
"May you run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint."
If these demons have been trying to stop me then I must be doing something great? This race has been such a wild journey and I know once I cross that finish line that I will have conquered so much more than a 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike ride, and 26.2 mile run.
I can't wait for that moment.
Bring it.
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