I wrote this letter to all of my friends and family that came out to support me on May 17, 2014 for my Ironman Texas race! I was asked to put it on my blog for others to read. My intent in writing it was to be able to help my supporters that day understand why they were there supporting me. I had my reasons for doing the race and I wanted my support crew to know those reasons. I also thought it would be cool to be able to "talk" to them while I was racing. So, here is the letter they read that day!
For
my awesome friends and family
cheering me on today, here is something to read while you wait. Maybe you can
get a better understanding of why I do this crazy stuff!!!
When
I first learned about Ironman it was 2012 and I was 10 weeks preggo with
Delaney. Nik said we were going to go watch our friends Kerry and Allie do an
“Ironman” triathlon. A what? A triathlon that makes you swim 2.4 miles, bike
112, and run a marathon? Stupid. At that moment I wasn’t able to understand
what swimming 2.4 miles would be like, or biking 112. It seemed like they were
difficult tasks but there was nothing to compare in my mind. I had never swam
or biked for exercise. The only thing I could comprehend was that these people
would be doing something physical BEFORE even beginning their marathon and THAT
seemed crazy enough. We get there and I try
to understand. I watched as these strangers ran before me, most of them looking
like they were far beyond tired. I tried
to conjure up what it would have been like for those people, swimming and
biking those miles BEFORE running. Again, I couldn’t understand because I had
never been in the pool or gotten on a bike other than to play. I watched as
they ran, and ran, and ran. Some walked. Some looked like they were about to
give up. I screamed for them to keep going…..only because everyone else was screaming.
I didn’t get it. I mean, I wanted them to finish their race, sure….but… I.
Just. Didn’t. Get. It.
Finally,
it was time to go to the finish line. THAT is when I began to understand. I
still didn’t have a CLUE what these people had done all day…..but I began to
understand that they were finishing a HUGE goal. All I truly knew was that they
had been racing ALL DAY! Like…..14, 15, 16 hours. And THAT seemed big. There is
something special about Ironman finish lines. I watched as athlete after
athlete crossed. Tears began to stream down my face. These people had endured
all day. They hadn’t given up. They kept going even when every ounce of their
bodies might have been shouting to quit. It was special to me. As a culture, we
rarely get to watch people endure things for too long. Heck, we don’t even
“endure” commercials anymore. But these athletes, they endured. I was so proud
of every single stranger as they ran past me and into their personal victory. I
wanted to hug each one. And yet, I still didn’t even really understand what
they had done all day.
Then
Nik said he was going to do it. He had felt the same things I had felt while
watching that Ironman and knew he had to do this race too. Let me tell you, I
wasn’t thrilled. I mean the race HAD been cool. I WAS proud of the athletes and
our friends Kerry and Allie. But come on. He was going to train/do an Ironman
while I was pregnant, having a baby, and then raising a newborn!?!?! Not cool.
However, I never said a negative word and let him do what he needed to do. And
I’m forever thankful that I did. Even throughout all of his training, I still
never truly understood this crazy race. I knew he would swim for 2
hours, ride a bike for 7, and then run a marathon. That’s about all I could wrap
my brain around, the grueling hours of each part of the race. As race day
approached however, I could feel the energy. It began to seem kinda different. It began to register
that this thing he was going to do was MORE than just a race. I kinda began to realize it was a test of
will, of mind, of heart, of so much more than just physical endurance. His race
day was a blur. I had listened to him talk all year about the times he wanted
to make (not really understanding), things he wanted to accomplish, and I hoped
and prayed all day for those things.
I have NO IDEA when it hit
me that day, but it hit me. I remember at some point declaring to everyone
around me that I “was going to do Ironman next year”. I bawled as I watched Nik
cross the finish line. I knew what it had taken to get him there. I knew how
much time he had put into it. I knew how much dedication, determination,
sacrifices, and hard work it took for him to get to that finish line. And I KNEW
I had to do it too.
Why
though? Why did I want to do this? No one ever understands the WHY? I know the
reasons are all personal and specific to everyone’s own story. As I stood there
watching my husband do his Ironman it occurred to me that I had never finished
a huge goal. I set out to accomplish MANY goals in my life…..but I had never
finished any of them. I had wanted to be a competitive gymnast, but gave up
when it became scary and financially hard on my parents. I had wanted to be an
actress, but gave up when the auditions seemed too daunting. I had wanted to be
a doctor, but gave up when I got pregnant (although I’m glad I didn’t follow
thru now). I had wanted to learn so many things, but gave up when it “took up
too much time”. I had wanted and wanted so much for myself, but gave up on as
soon as it began to be hard work. I had let myself down again and again, which
made me feel like I wasn’t able to accomplish much, if anything. I had taught
myself from a very young age that I wasn’t strong enough, good enough, smart
enough, or courageous enough to do much in this life. I didn’t believe in
myself at all. However, as I stood there on May 18, 2013, something changed in
me. It seemed like if I could just DO THIS….then I could prove to myself that
all of those things were wrong.
All I had to do was train my mind and body to do the hardest endurance
race…..without EVER swimming, biking, or (really) running. No big deal, right?
I
knew it would be difficult. I knew there would be obstacles. I never waivered
with my decision. The week after Niks Ironman, I began training for mine. I was
almost 200 lbs and could barely run a 16 minute mile. I was terrified that I
only had a year. HOW would I ever get my body trained in that time? It seemed
VERY impossible. Scary impossible. But I never allowed myself to give up. The
first few weeks were the hardest. I jumped into a training schedule of 6 days a
week of swimming, biking, and running. My body hurt during those weeks. I hated
every minute of working out. I had NEVER enjoyed running, I barely knew how to
swim, and biking terrified me. Plus, it seemed like it was going to take
forever and I don’t like to wait for things. After the first few weeks, it got
a tiny bit easier. My life was definitely changing. Triathlon training is
rigorous and keeping a schedule is vital. If you know me, I am terrible at
keeping a schedule. I think that is one of the first things that changed for
me, other than my body. I was keeping a schedule!!! If you know me, that’s a
big deal. Soon I was hitting goal after goal and it felt as if each one would
bring a new feeling of bravery, courage, and belief in myself. I had never
really felt that way about myself. I believed in ME and that was HUGE. I began to yearn for my workouts, love
the pain, and was willing to push my limits. I was training.
No
one can truly understand training for an Ironman unless they have been there
themselves. I was married to an Ironman and never understood. Training means so
much more than swimming, biking, or running. It becomes a part of your whole
being. It’s like when you begin a Netflix series and watch them every night.
You think about it all day, it never leaves you. You cannot wait to come home
to watch more, see where the story will go that day, and ultimately end up. In
that same way, I couldn’t wait to see what each workout would bring to me.
Would I be a bit faster, feel better during the workout, or maybe go further? I
saw myself as a below average athlete, doing things way above my comfort or
ability, and that amazed me. I was surpassing all of my doubts and fears.
Workout after workout was another chapter to the story.
Not
all training is glorious though. It was early mornings - when everyone else was
sleeping. It was waking up - when all I wanted to do was sleep. It was having
the longest never-ending list of things to buy. Things like protein bars,
energy gels, energy gummies, Gatorade, sports bottles, bike tires, bike parts,
socks, shoes, goggles, wetsuits, wetsuit spray, and the list goes on. It was
having to remember every single one of those items for each swim, bike, and run.
It was having to go to the store every Friday night to get them – when all I
wanted to do was NOT think about those things for once. It was packing my bag
every night with those items, and then finding out I forgot something, only
having to endure the workout without said item. It was toting around all four
kids to every weekday workout. It was trying to remember every single thing for
them too – when my mind was tired, my body hurt, and they were constantly
screaming, fighting, hungry, or asking for something. It was looking at the
clock during my workouts – when hours seemed to drag on and I had to fight with
my mind when it began to tell me to stop. It was doing anything in my power to
continue a swim, bike, or run -
like repeating a song, counting to 100, listening to a book, or praying to God. It was running in the bitter cold AND
brutally hot, biking in the pouring down rain, and swimming in the freezing
water. It was being so terrified the first few bike rides that my hands were
shaking and heart thumping. It was learning to ride with those darn clip-in
shoes for the bike. It was praying, asking God to help me, and Him answering
with, “I will uphold you with my right hand, I will not let you fall”. It was
knowing that He was serious. It was being so completely exhausted but still
having to be present for my husband and kids, a birthday party, or a church
service. It was nursing a baby before and after my workouts and even making
milk during! It was never being dressed in anything other than workout clothes,
always smelling like sweat, and dealing with blisters on my feet. It was never
having a clean house because we were never home, and when we were, it was the
last thing I wanted to do. It was thinking that people were probably judging my
new lifestyle (and unclean house), but not letting it affect me. It was
realizing that I had many demons fighting against me because they knew that
what I was doing would benefit me in such an amazing way that it scared them. It
was living out of the car as the hubby and kids drove around during my very
long bike rides. It was being the only person in the room that wasn’t drinking
at a bachelorette party because I had a 4:30 wake-up call. It was having
nothing else besides Ironman to talk about but assuming no one would want to
hear it over and over. It was being so hungry and tired after long workouts, so
hungry and tired that I could barely walk or talk. It was begging for baby-sitters.
Begging for sleep. Begging for more time at the gym - and also less time at the
gym. Begging myself to train harder only to realize that I was. It was wishing
that the time would pass so the race would be here. It was getting close to the
race and wishing I had more time.
Now
the race IS here. I am DOING IT. I’m sure that I am tired. Very tired. I am
positive that I am not even sure if I can finish without every ounce of my mind
and body pushing to extreme limits.
I am taking every step just so I can finally see the faces of all of the
people that I love so very much. I am talking to myself, saying, “be strong.
Trust the training. It will be over before you know it. You get to see everyone
soon and you know they are cheering for you.” I am 100% positive that without
y’all here, I could not go on. I am so thankful that I have friends and family
that love me enough to waste a Saturday going to a race that probably seems
crazy, if not stupid. I am so thankful that I have my friend’s and family’s support,
even when most of you probably can’t fathom why we do this silly race. I am
forever grateful for your presence because it is your cheering that will give
me the extra boost, to help me forget the pain, and to continue on to finish a
goal that I so desperately want to finish. So when you see me, please know how much I appreciate you
being there. Scream to me! Tell me that I CAN DO IT because I will so very badly need to hear those words. I
cannot wait to cross the finish line as an IRONMAN and give everyone a hug. See
ya there!
